Apples. You need some apples. Get in the car with the woman and the dogs. Pack a couple of turkey sandwiches, a big bottle of good red wine, maybe a joint or two. Get in the car and drive upstate, along the Hudson River as the leaves turn orange and the smell of yard fires comes up from the highway, that perfect fall weather. Drive to an orchard and have a weekend. A momnpop-bednbreakfast type place. Leave the laptop where it belongs, in the city. Spend the whole trip fucking and drawing and eating apples. Maybe step outside and kill a squirrel. Use the little twenty gauge you bought at WalMart. Gut it and skin it like drunk stepdad showed you. Kill a few, hell… A whole family. Show up at the mom-n-pop bed-n-breakfast with your hands and front all bloody with these wet and shiny skinless carcasses gathered up like a bunch of meat flowers in your sticky hands. Maybe your girlfriend will be reading some John Grisham crap on the screened in front porch, and you’ll come up to the doorway and she won’t recognize you at first because you’re wearing her underwear. Then she’ll scream “O MY GOD MATT WHAT HAPPENED!?!? THE BLOOD OH MY GOD”!!! And you’ll just drop the family of dead critters on the nice sanded maple stairway and tell her you “got me some tender varmints, reckon it’s about time to fix supper” and “don’t I look pretty in that negligé I bought you last winter?”, then light up one of those doobers. The dogs come barking and skipping over and go to town on the squirrels, first sniffing and licking, then look, Audrey’s got a leg.
You should go pick some apples.
i know the feeling.
There’s that old Native American proverb, about the two wolves. One is darkness, the other light. The wolf that you feed is the one that will prevail.
It made sense immediately, as proverbs are engineered to. But then I got to thinking … what about dreams? Do the wolves feed of of them? Could you inadvertently be feeding the bad wolf?
I saw the dark wolf gorging on the schmorgasbord of my bitter subconscious, and I woke up afraid that I had lost the fight. Moments like this, I wish there were more shamans in the metropolitan area. Priests and rabbis are fine and good, but sometimes you need a spirit walker. In the matter of Matt vs. Dark Wolf, the jury is still out.
Now, on the topic of esoterica, I’m reminded of my trips to other dimensions, and consequently being scared shitless. Despite my struggle, I always considered myself a bit of a pathological optimist. Enjoying the drama of the dark ride, but always knowing that there was a light at the end of the tunnel. Always clinging to that. It’s like having your cake and eating it too. Think Eric Draven.
In “Grizzly Man”, Werner Herzog postulated: ”I believe the common denominator of the universe is not harmony; but chaos, hostility and murder.” Regardless of what I want to believe, I am inclined to support Mr. Herzog’s claim. Despite the perceived beauty and all the brilliant and divine symmetry on God’s green earth, everything that came before us was created by rape, forceful dominion, brutality and violence.
This is funny, if not ironic, because when I first began dipping my toes into the protoplasm of the great beyond, to expand my consciousness with chemical shortcuts, I saw the love and the light that shimmers off our consciousness. I really felt like an atomic exodus of love. I saw the wisdom and panacea of compassion. I knew it to be true. But for some inexplicable reason, I kept digging.
Just a few meters beyond that, beyond the fur and the fins and the lovely manifestations of evolutional variety and genius, I found the kernel of life. It does not shine, and it is not dark. It is a thousand bug eyes and every flick of every flagellum. A grotesque, obtuse, unfeeling shadow that drives life and invention and darwinism. It’s the thing that eats it’s young, that programs competition, the progenitor of cruelty and victory. Sex… sex is it’s right hand, violence is it’s left. A cousin of murder, and now you’re family. It’s the bot fly, it’s Rome. It’s the scariest thing you’ve ever seen, and you might always feel like a hunted animal so long as you remember it’s face.
But … there are two things for me, now, while I am in this phase (and I do hope it is a phase).
1- The apparent diameter of the moon is the exact same apparent diameter of the sun. This is beyond coincidental. It’s like kicking a soccer bar as hard as you could, then tossing a baseball, and having them line up to scale. Something had to do this.
i knew he rwelll
she didnt really have
much insulation you know
so she would build it she would build a wall
of blue and green milligrams it
took alot of work to find the doors and
windows in that wall sometimes wed just
touch fingers through the little holes other timjes
wed press our cheeks togethers
or the tips of our tongues but never
so much enough for the whole embracing
we each searched and probed for
i had my walls too chemical spiritual brick etc
there were some peculiar traits and oddities
about her that led me to believe, once, in particular,
that she was som ekind of test or an angel
not tethered like me to proclivities and perverse habits but more
like a prefect yo uknow an angelic perfect example
with marbe skin that blushed and thick healthy veins like
straw or winding bamboo shoots
(you should have seen her ankles ther were a marvel of engineering)
back to her distance-otherworldliness though
she left me do whatever i wanted and i thought at this one time
that it might have been a test she was testing me to see how good or
how bad i would be with total freedom and license and the worse i was
the ….. i dont know, it just went down in her book or pad and
probably was held against me by her superior that she reported to,
her smile was all teeth and gums when we met it
threatened to crack her face wide open and split it like a diamond filled cantelope i thought but eventually
i rubbed off on her.
so she stopped smiling so much and when her hair faded from red to brown she elected not to re-dye it. she started eating less and taking more pills, and of course between bites of pills myself, i had something to say about that for its what i was being tested for. at least, one of the things you know.
it should also be briefly noted that she balanced perfectly on the back of my motorcycle and her arms and shoulders grew into differnet shapes the more i tossed her about until i was put to shame with a very very strange cocktail of lust, being in the presence of something divine, suffocation, and cruel irony that was …
i go on. she was compassion, but also defenseless, and i, me, was never famous for my soft handling.
she would swallow me yet i could never swallow her i tried, it was like trying to make ice cubes out of a ghost its just going to be a symbol but not the flavor one would expect.
she had some extra electrons circling about her, so the magnet was explained, but also the disparity because me, standard.
the thunder latelt, its always coming from her direction norwest. i sometimes think its her anger at me crcking and spliting through her dialogue up top the doppler says nothing of it but thats never dependable you know
itll go on on and on like it does every july and august i swear thes emonths were always out to get me when i was little it was the meningitis and then when i was older it was other shit tht isnt worth it but yeah 07 and 08 are the devils months maybe because i was a winter baby born premature in a blizzard those greek fucks want me to suffer in their heat
i dont care i got a/c
AND EVEN IF I DIDNT theres always the creek where the woods meet the water
aw! thanks Ivy!
adderall is maybe kicking in. maybe. i’ve grown such a tolerance which sucks nasty penis. i have even taken a break from it. wah
i quit taking that shit cold turkey after 25 years, about 3 months ago.
pretty sure i’ve sustained permanent brain damage.